Suaimhneas: Living Goddess

“Love both wounds deeply and heals powerfully. And we dare not allow the wounds to crush our belief in the healing.”

― Craig D. Lounsbrough

Perchance to Dream

Felt a bit chilly in the house this morning, despite being only -9 Celsius. When the alarm went at 4 am I was in the middle of a dream, back on Foch Avenue for a surprise visit and so excited to see everyone. But to my surprise the house was full of people from down home and continuing to fill up as people trickled in.

People were paired up, hugging, touching, kissing, and it was a roaring party with drinks everywhere and lots of chatter and laughter. As I looked around I realized I knew people, but they weren’t with their spouses. It was like some kind of hall pass escape weekend.

As I sat in the chair by the phone table looking around, people started to notice me and whisper, panic darkening their eyes. I was an outsider who could take stories home to their families. Then the door burst open again and a group of giggling girls fell in with my cousin amongst them. I was happy to see her because we hadn’t seen each other in awhile and I looked forward to catching up.

Then the alarm pulled me from the dream. I hit snooze, closed my eyes, hoping I could go right back in and speak to her. Surely she didn’t know what kind of party this seemed to be. Surely she was just caught up in the thing unwittingly like myself.

But, I couldn’t get back to find out.

I got up, put the kettle on to boil for matcha, turned up the heat in the house, and came back to the bed to listen to Prince Harry’s misadventures in love while he searched for someone strong enough to stand beside him through the crush of the flash bulbs. I had 20 minutes, finished a chapter, did some puzzles, then dressed and made the bed before coming to the living room to enjoy my matcha and writing.

Romance Blooms

Pat arrived for our early morning walk armed with a Valentine’s sweetheart card and a container of chocolate-covered strawberries that he had created himself. Have I mentioned that he is the sweetest! He always gets Valentine’s Day right. One year he snuck into my apartment while I was at work and I came home to find a Teddy Bear, flowers, and a nice bottle of wine with a card arranged on the table. THAT blew my mind! No matter what is going on with us, no matter how rich or poor we are, Valentine’s is a day for sharing his love for me and that comes easily to him. He has no issue expressing those feelings.

Kapow! Right in the Kisser!

The work day started off pretty good, lots of Valentine’s wishes exchanged, productivity happening, figuring out lots of things … and then we had a team meeting to debrief on the All-Staff.

The meeting started off normal enough and then at the end our Manager dropped a bombshell … she’s leaving, last day is next Friday, but taking some days off too … so last day probably in about a week.

I tried to hold it together during the meeting for the sake of the team, but inside I was screaming, “NOT AGAIN!!!” I don’t know if they could tell or not, but as soon as we hung up I burst into tears and had a good long cry.

I’ll act as Manager for a couple of weeks until we transition to yet another new Manager. How many is this in the last two years? It’s been a lot. Too many. It’s very hard to roll with the constant change and uncertainty. I feel obligated to be the certainty and permanence for the rest of the team. So now I gotta suck it up yet again and buck up for everyone else.

Fishy Business

Today marked some sort of religious occasion where Catholics and Anglicans can’t eat meat. I am not religious, but when Pat said he was getting fish ‘n chips for supper, I said, “Sign me up!” He arrived shortly after I finished the workday and we enjoyed our fish ‘n chip snacks with alcohol-free sparkling wine and watched the rest of the limited series we started last weekend, “Fool Me Once.” It was good and a nice way to spend the evening.

Life List

Dropped back a bit -13/15 or 87%. I’m happy with this ratio and consistency.

1. Drink water, matcha, green and hibiscus teas √
2. Eat more vegetables and fruits than anything else
3. Exercise √
4. Go outside √
5. Remember to stretch and squat
6. Read or listen to a book √
7. Make your bed √
8. Enjoy the little things √
9. Be conscious and present √
10. Live in a tidy place √
11. Go outside √
12. Try new things and give yourself permission to fail √
13. Work with intention √
14. Laugh loudly and often √
15. Live with gratitude √

Today looked like …