Suaimhneas: Living Goddess

“Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.”

― Albert Einstein

Presence

For the second morning in a row I hit snooze and lounged in bed until it was too late to listen to my book and do my puzzles. It’s not becoming a habit, just need to find my stride again as more things come into play and I start staying up a bit later.

It was a glorious morning for a walk. Crisp, but not too cold. Frosty, but not dangerously slippery. The sky was clear and filled with stars. The dark so quiet and peaceful, all that could be heard was the crunch of our boots, swish of our swinging arms, and my laboured breathing, because these walks are real exercise for me.

As winter mornings go, this one was perfection, the perfect beginning to the big workday I had coming. But Pat was out of sorts, melancholy, and while I understood why today would make him feel sad, I wished that for those 23 minutes while we walked he could just be present, just be in the moment with me and the pure joy of the moment. Because sadness, melancholy, depression, cannot exist simultaneously with the gorgeous wonderment and beauty of a morning like this.

Sparked

I became annoyed and not very understanding of his grief, which only annoyed me more because then I felt disappointment in myself. I should be the bigger person. I should just be quiet and let him vent and be melancholic and sad. But no, I have to try and “fix” things. If the glory of the present moment is lost, I should at least turn it into a teachable moment.

I can be such an ass sometimes.

Selfish

In retrospect, I sparked because my moment was ruined. I was enjoying the walk, feeling the gratitude, so totally aware that this was it, I was being present (check that off the Life List!) and Pat wasn’t there with me. He wanted, no, probably needed, me to hear him and maybe say something to help him feel better. If I were truly conscious I would have been present in that moment. It could have been very real, though raw, and led to a stronger bond between us. Instead, I flew off the handle and we both ended the walk feeling worse than when we set out.

Pattern

I wish I could say this was the first time this has happened, but no, it’s a pattern for me. Some days I have all the patience and understanding and think I’ve got it all figured out. Then the next day I’m pulling my face off and ripping out my hair.

I was present at the beginning of this morning’s walk. I was conscious. I could have stayed in that state and also listened to Pat and helped him in some way. But I didn’t. Instead, I easily slipped back into my default way of being.

Growth

The difference with today over past days began shortly after I got back home and calmed down. I called Pat and apologized, explained why I got upset, listened to him, and helped him to feel better by the end of the call.

I have been known to occasionally call and apologize in the past, but mostly those calls would just be extensions of the fight, me trying to win, relentlessly pushing my agenda until he apologized to me. Then I might share the story with family or friends so they could empathize with me and tell me how right I was. Then I would probably bring it up again and again to Pat, so he would know that in no uncertain terms should this kind of thing happen again. Not on my watch!

But this time is different.

This time I see my part very clearly. I know the second when I stopped being in the present moment. In my mind, I can visualize exactly how things might have progressed toward a positive outcome for both of us, if I had been flexible enough to stay present despite an unexpected turn.

I think that’s progress! Actual emotional growth! And that makes today a very big day.

Life List

I ate fruit! And today would have been my first perfect day if only I had taken some time to listen to my audio book -14/15! So close!

1. Drink water, matcha, green and hibiscus teas √
2. Eat more vegetables and fruits than anything else √
3. Exercise √
4. Go outside √
5. Remember to stretch and squat √
6. Read or listen to a book
7. Make your bed √
8. Enjoy the little things √
9. Be conscious and present √
10. Live in a tidy place √
11. Go outside √
12. Try new things and give yourself permission to fail √
13. Work with intention √
14. Laugh loudly and often √
15. Live with gratitude √

Today looked like …