Suaimhneas: Living Goddess

You can have a great mentor, a great partner, a great love in your life who gives you confidence and makes you feel great about yourself. And that’s all wonderful, but at the end of the day, if you don’t believe it, all of that means nothing.

Jennifer Lopez

Status Quo

Recently, I saw a meme on social media that made me pause. The photo was an old statue of a mostly naked obese woman. She had thick thighs and belly rolls not unlike my own, resting seductively on her backside in what would be a “come hither” position in a romance book. The caption contained some body positive messaging about how this vision represented a goddess in the past.

It’s true that the average woman was sturdier in olden times from birthing so many children and working very hard inside and outside to keep everyone fed, clothed, clean, and sheltered. I imagine muscles and callouses. Being overweight meant wealth back then, because the wealthy could afford the fattest roasts, the most decadent sweets, and a staff to manage their households and children. It makes sense to me that being a bit plump would have been attractive in that society as it represented status and wealth.

Of course, today, society values the skinny girls. That also makes sense to me because modern society’s average lifestyle and diet promotes obesity. For most people, it requires extra effort, extreme wealth, or both to be the attractive skinny girl. So again, it makes sense to me that society would associate thinness with beauty and good health, because fat has become the status quo.

Mirrors

I’ve lived with one mirror for several years now. In my apartment it was in the bathroom over the sink. In my house, it’s in my bedroom above the nightstand. My mirror reveals a head and shoulders view. I can wash the sleep out of my eyes, tame the rooster tails in my hair, check my smile for food caught between my teeth, and apply a bit of make-up. I don’t know what that sweater and pants look like on my body. I can’t see whether my butt has grown or shrunk. I think the one mirror thing began much further back and just happened naturally, rather than being a conscious choice. But I know that I am happier not having a full length mirror or more than one mirror.

When I was younger and spending many hours of my day sitting in front of a large mirror doing my hair, trying on outfits, applying oils, creams, and make-up, I would look at my sometimes very frail and sickly frame and see an ugly fat person. No matter how emaciated I got, I could only see fat ugliness in the mirror. Now, on the random occasion when I catch my full reflection in a mirror, I see the wrinkles and rolls of fat and general blob-like structure of my body and I think, “Not too bad!” It’s a bizarre shift of thought processing and while I prefer the latter, I’m not sure it’s any more healthy. Obesity will kill me as sure as anorexia would have, and while I have clearly made progress toward embracing my inner goddess, there is more work to do on loving myself.

Passion

In the past few months I have found myself returning to some hobbies and habits that I used to really enjoy but abandoned sometime in the last two decades. I used to read every day for pleasure. I used to be a prolific blogger, writing and sharing thousands of words every day. I used to be part of writing communities and take workshops and go to festivals and retreats. I used to cook delicious meals full of nourishment and colour that satisfied my hunger and also brought me joy.

Time passes so quickly. I went to my first writers event in almost 10 years this fall. I can’t believe how long it had been since I’ve finished a book and in the past few months I’ve finished several. This shift feels like a welcome return to my true self, but why did I stop? What happened that I abandoned many of the passions that feed my spirit? How did I become so disconnected from the goddess that is me?

That was one very deep valley.

The good news is I am emerging from the darkness feeling the brightest I have since I fell in and my Best Life Practices list supports my passions.